Dont forget to read the small print...

Erm - sorry this actually turned into quite a long winded rant... :)

Some times I lay awake at night and wonder if I'm the worlds worst mother - I am so NOT cut out for motherhood.

When you are married and childless - all you hear from EVERYONE is "oh motherhood is great, you'll love it", "oh you must have a child - it's magical". When you happen to wipe the nose of a snotty nosed kid that belongs to one of your friends - everyone breaths deeply, sighs and says "ah - you will make such a good mother". (ERM - were you not only wiping her nose so she wouldn't wipe it on your brand new name branded Jeans???)

OR you just happen to be walking through a mall with your shopping buddies when you spot the CUTEST barbie dress in the kiddies section... you stop - you pick it up and all your friends start gushing at you... "AH you are so ready for motherhood...." BUT all you were thinking was "WOW do they make that in my size?" (you can take the body outta childhood but never the mind!)

Then of course - they will start telling you about how you glow when you are pregnant, you will fall in love with your body, you will love everything about pregnancy, including the large protuding belly. Its the best feeling in the world, as soon as you see your child for the first time - you will fall in love and you will realise that you should have done this ages ago.

Everyone talks about pregnancy, childbirth and motherhood in glowing terms - everyone loves it (well - thinking about it they must do - everyone is doing it) - how its a life changing moment and you will not regret it...

WELL time to read the small print I'm afraid...

NO ONE TELLS YOU.....

* the loving husband who promises to help you 50/50... never does... their excuses are numerous - but the two that got on my goat the most were - sorry I have work tomorrow I cant get up in the middle of the night (never mind you haven't slept a full night in months!) and my personal favorite (okay so this would only work if your husband had children from a previous marriage) "sorry honey - I had to do this with my first three children - I'm not gonna do it for my fouth"

* Children ARE EXPENSIVE - do yourself a favour... please - before you have children - do this little excersise... work out how much you would need to spend on the basics:- cot, car seat, pram, bedding, clothing, and general baby paraphanalia, then work out how many nappies you will be using (after you've had the fight about disposibles or re-usables) Bear in mind tho - if the hubby insists on re-usable - he will be washing them!!!! so really can you see him leaning over the bath scrubbing "s****ty" nappies??? naw me neither... so calculate the disposibles - lets say erm 5 per 24 hours so 5 x 365 x 2 (in two years you gotta potty train!) Oh and of course I cant list everything - but just sit back and take the time to do this excersie - you will soon realise there's not much left for any of the spur of the moment luxuries you so enjoy... :)

* Pregancy is NOT as easy as people make it out to be - seriously - its NOT... Fatty was such a LARGE baby - that for the last month of my pregnancy I had to go to the Obs/Gyne daily to be put on a machine to see if the kid was okay... there was no room for him to move... I was so uncomfortable from about 6 months it was AWFUL, I needed to pee 5 times a night and had to wake hubby up EACH and EVERY time cause I couldn't move - did I mention I was HUGE. Let me tell you after 3 months of me waking hubby up 5 times a night cause I needed help getting off the bed - HE was NOT AMUSED!!

* Oh then there was the hormones and bad moods... HAHA - looking back at how horrid I was to my poor hubby... NAW I dont feel bad about it... - he deserved it - it was his fault I was in this condition after all wasn't it??? ;) There was this day - my hormones were really playing hell with me - we had a huge tiff and he said fine - he's going to the office "till I calm down"... Schweet - I grabbed a snack, got comfortable on my recliner / lazy boy (whatever you call them - those lounge chairs that go back with foot rests) and that is where I HAD TO STAY FOR 4 HOURS TILL HE GOT BACK... haha - I couldnt move!!! Okay - so I can laugh at it now - but at the time - being extremely big and pregnant - it wasn't funny not being able to get off a simple chair FFS!!! boy oh boy did he get it from me when he got back...

* What about the partying?? Man - how I miss the parties... sure you still go out and have a good time - but you have to take turns now - cant have both parents being drunk - someone has to be responsible - you never know what will happen?? Little Fatty has croup - it can strike any night, any time, and you've got to be quick on the draw - they need to get on the nebuliser ASAP and if you dont catch it in time - or if you are too scared to administer the medication yourself - you gotta rush them to the hospital. Even now - at 6 years old - we still dont "party" together anymore - we take turns... :(

* Sleeping... Now here's a touchy subject for me... I L I K E M Y S L E E P.. I do... And do you know in the past 6 years I think I can count on my one hand the number of times I have slept passed 6 in the morning... honestly - I have been blessed with an early riser... :) WHAT bliss is that??? OH of course the best times is when it's "your turn" to party... and they wake you up by banging their favorite car on your head yelling... "Wake up Mommy the sun is shining" and then proceeding to open the curtain FULL so the sun shines pleasantly on your hungover face... definetely pure bliss what can I say... (actually I mumble a few choice swear words... :)

* Your time, me time, our time - sorry - AINT GONNA HAPPEN - it's gone, it's over - its no more. Just forget it honestly, kiss it good bye.. I've forgotten what me time is honestly. Seriously - it's taken us 6 years to train fatty NOT to enter the bath room at the same time as us... Yes that's right - just forget about going to "your quiet zone and have a little read..." FORGET IT!!! :)



Seriously - the bathroom used to be my one special room in the house, where NO ONE would bother me... needed half an hour to calm down, have a little me time?? grab a book, a cuppa coffee, go into the bathroom and sit on the floor reading... get a knock on the door - "sorry busy, will be out soon" HA!! have a kid mate... that time is over!!

* And of Course DO NOT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON MY SEX LIFE ;) what's that? where's it gone?? I know I did it at least once... cause I got 1 kid... :)

* Your neat house??? GONE! kiss that good bye too.. seriously - who has time to clean up all the time?? To pull out half eaten cookies from the dvd machine? To stop sticky hands going all over your cd collection! OH what about the time he decided to help you alphabetize your DVD/CD collection (yes my collection were once in alphbetical order...) the last time they were that neat was around 4 years ago I think... Fatty helped... honestly he did... he pulled them all out and spread them all over the floor - he did this while I was cleaning up the flour he had thrown all over the kitchen floor, which he did while I was trying to get the save his dad's plants which he had pulled out while I.... well you get the picture... you only stop when they fall asleep trust me on this... :)

* Your expensive computers, playstations, Wii Band equipment, DVD players - whatever you are into... GONE - packed away out of reach.... NEVER mind you never get a chance to play them anymore - you've got to protect them from sticky fingers, half eaten food and - THE WORST - as they get older... them getting hold of Daddy's tool kit and "helping to FIX IT!"

* Travelling with you wee one... AH! my favorite topic... what can I say - DONT DO IT EVER!!!!! :) Here's something you can do to see if you are ready to have a child - Drive from Cape Town to Windhoek - its only about 1400 kilometers... Get 1 Telly Tubbie DVD - play it non-stop for that full journey and then have your partner sit in the back seat and every now and then throw something at your head, be it a toy, a milk bottle or what ever else they can get their hands on... Or - you can practise international flying.... borrow a friends baby - go sit in the transit hall for a period of 10 hours waiting for your connection - as an adult you get bored out of your mind - now try it with a two year old... :) Even better - try and take a two year old into those tiny toilets they have on a plane and change his poo nappy... FUN! FUN! FUN!

Oh I have so many other things I want to warn you about - things like your seats in your car, or temper tantrums in shopping malls, or the time you pack the baby in the car, but leave the pram and the shopping in the parking lot and drive off, watching the same episode of Barney over and over and over again until you want to crawl into the tv and smash that purple dinasors head in... but I wont - I think I've ranted enough for one night... I just wanted you to be sure you read the small print - kids dont come with instruction manuals you know!

But you know what - as much as I lay awake at night worrying that I am the worst mother, because sometimes I dream about how my life might have been if I didn't have fatty - I love him to bits, and I wouldn't trade him in for the world... (okay so there are some days when I wanted to send him back - convinced there was a return clause)

But when you look at him sleeping staring at a wee mini-me, or hearing his belly laugh when he makes a joke, or hearing your sarcastic random humour being flung back at you - there are some times when it's all worth it - last night I had a worth it moment... (side note - have I mentioned my mother and my 10 year old niece are here visiting??) Driving along the free way playing I spy with my little eye... my niece says "something begining with P" and little fatty screams on top of his lungs P*nis!!! the look on my mothers face just screamed "WORTH IT".

Anyways till next time - make sure you read the small print... LOLZ
xx